"It's shameful that the UDF party wants to take us back to the dark days,"

Mr Gwanda Chakuamba (2003)

search antimuluzi.blogspot.com

Thursday, January 22, 2009


A fictional perspective



A man from the village of Kapoloma, responding to the
name: Dr. Elson Bakili Atcheya Agama (Obama?) Muluzi sits on a
luxurious sofa seat with his hands formed like a pistol pointing at
his lower lip. He is clad in a yellow shirt with blue stripes and
white cuffs, a dark blue trousers complements, to a greater extent,
his dress code. By the side of his red sofa seat stands a table
hosting a glass of some liquid, perhaps water but surely not wine. He
is either at his mansion in the BCA hills or the queen’s land,
United Kingdom, visiting his family.

I am the current UDF chairman,” he breathes
to himself, “a former president that ruled Malawi for ten good
years and therefore an important person in the Malawi history. Oh
yes! Very important such that I am still loved by some Malawians if
not most Malawians.”

He takes the glass and pours the contents down his
throat. He belches. He again forms the hands in the same shape before
placing them on the same position again. Gradually, his mind wanders
away to some time in life…

He recalls the period when he was campaigning for Bingu
Webster Lyson Thom wa Mutharika PhD., as a UDF presidential
candidate; the places he took him to and the vocabulary he used to
demonize John Zenus Ungapake Tembo, Gwanda (simbi ya moto?)
Chakuamba, Brown James Mpinganjira and Justin Chimera Malewezi—the
other contenders for the position he was to evacuate: PRESIDENCY!

Then, the scenes come clear before his mind: those of
the man from Kamoto village in Thyolo district, whom he described as
an ‘economic engineer’, deserting the UDF before forming
his own party called the DPP. He feels bitter as he remembers the
scenes of the executive members of the UDF being arrested and
imprisoned, the scenes of he himself being arrested, his UDF party
being torn apart and him being castigated and insulted by the
Kaliatis, Ntabas, Mussas etcetera.

He feels very bitter after discovering that he is no
longer needed by the man he hailed as ‘the only one with clean
hands of all presidential candidates’ during the 2004 campaign
rallies. He strongly suppresses tears after discovering that he is
not accorded the treatment befitting a former head of state but
instead is held lowly as a mere peasant who contributed nothing to
the politics of the nation.

I shall deal with Bingu, the ungrateful fellow,”
he mumbles to himself. “How could he do that to me after all
the pain I underwent on his own behalf? Surely, Bingu will pay very
dearly for this and I’m dead-serious on this. I shall deflate
that tyre which I myself did inflate.”

He comes back from the world of memories before getting
the glass again from which he sips some liquids and then wipes the
mouth with a clean yellow hanky. Again, he places the hands on the
lower lip still maintaining that shape of a pistol—he seems to
like this style of sitting when, perhaps, thinking.

Slowly, he allows his mind to wander and roam in the
world of thoughts and imaginations. He is certainly conscious of what
he will be thinking about.

I shall deal with Bingu,” his lips mutter

This thought of dealing with Bingu completely takes
control of him that it becomes the only thing to be voyaging in his
otherwise blank mind. He starts thinking of how to deal with and
completely punish Bingu. After many options revolving in his mind he
settles for the very last one: seeing to it that Bingu loses the 2009
general elections through a ‘peaceful’ election. He
chooses this option at the expense of other options such as penning
donors to stop funding the government of Bingu and making Bingu’s
government ungovernable through the parliament since he has the
ability to control a good number of parliamentarians there.

Oh yes! 2009, Bingu must go,” he assures
himself confidently. “We (the UDF) have to get back the
government that was robbed from us come May, 2009.”

He smiles broadly for he feels he has found a safest and
surest way of dealing with the man who has won back the donors’
confidence. A man who has been greatly hailed for improving the
economy but criticized for violating the constitution, a man whom
others have likened to the Biblical fellow who rescued the Israelites
from the hands of Pharaoh—Moses.

He breathes hard though jovially after properly fixing
his resolution. Silently, the two hands withdraw to the chest where
they settle temporarily as he seems to be gazing into a distant far,
perhaps May, 2009. Looking at him from a far, one can easily discover
that he is well contented with whatever decision he has made. Surely,
no one will dare believe that he is the one who has some cases with
the state nor will one believe that he is the man being ridiculed and
demonized by the state broadcasters for he seems to be very free just
as a bird in the sky.

He then remembers that to deal with Bingu through the
elections will demand his UDF to have a presidential candidate. One
whom he has to also sell to the public as he did with the current
state and DPP president. A thought then comes across his mind that
some people from within his UDF party expressed interest to contest
as presidential candidates for the party. He recalls Friday Jumbe,
George Nga Ntafu, Brown Mpinganjira, Sam Mpasu and Cassim Chilumpha
as some of the names that expressed profound interest to stand on the
UDF ticket.

However, he does not rush into choosing one person as
one he will love to see standing for the party nor does he start
thinking of conducting primary elections so that the party members
chose for themselves whom they like. He sits, still contemplating on
what to do for he knows clearly that the decision he shall make here
may either punish Bingu or else, himself and the UDF party. Worse
still, it may completely destroy the UDF party.

He starts weighing the aspirants one by one and finds
them all wanting:

He cannot surely go for Jumbe, for to him, the man is
unpopular and also at some point in time he (Jumbe) was linked with a
story of him planning to defect to the DPP. Moreover, the Bingu who
dumped him was an economist and this Jumbe guy is an economist too.

I just can’t trust these economists,
especially with the gift of presidency,” he defends himself,
audible to himself only.

Then Ntafu. He weighs him too and finds him wanting
also. He just cannot go for him otherwise that will be buying an
opposition bench ticket for his party, for to him, the medical doctor
is a clown in the political circles. He does not imagine any person,
no matter how dedicated the person is to the UDF, casting a ballot
for the only MP of the entire Likoma district since the man has been
brandished as ‘otukwana’ by the MBC. He just does
not see himself campaigning for the man who, at most times, turns
parliament into a playfield.

He does not waste time weighing Mpinganjira for he lost
trust in the man after he dumped him and formed his own NDA which
vehemently castigated him during the 2004 campaign period. He
strongly believes that the guy from Mulanje district can just do the
same thing Bingu did to him or even more than that. He just does not
want to be beaten twice—not with another member of the

The mere thought of Mpasu makes him laugh for he does
not imagine a sane person casting his vote for a man whose image is
completely darkened for being found at the graveyard. After all, the
guy from Ntcheu does not have any promising career in politics, maybe
in prison fighting for change in the political system but not really
running government.

He spends some minutes evaluating Chilumpha and at last
he reaches a conclusion: he still can not take him. To him, Chilumpha
is not properly known to the rural masses that do count for most of
the votes, and the mere fact that he is a Muslim puts him at a great
disadvantage for the Christians will argue that he is Islamizing the
party and therefore make him lose some crucial votes in as far as
democracy in the country is concerned. He also believes that the man
from Nkhota-kota cannot be fully trusted for he fought hard against
his third term and open term bids.

At last, he realizes that there is no promising
torchbearer for his UDF in the 2009 elections. Then, he stands and
start pacing around the room with his mind still on the one who will
lead the party in the 2009 elections, not only lead the UDF but also
defeat Bingu and his DPP and thereafter dance to his (Muluzi) tunes.
One who will never be able to do what Mutharika did to him and the
UDF party.

Abruptly! He stops. He seems to have found the solution.
He walks back to the sofa where he throws himself on it carelessly
but happily. Surely, his problem seems to have been solved.

I will stand again in 2009 and defeat Bingu,”
he tells himself. As if he does not believe what he has just said, he
repeats in a clear confident tone: “I will stand again in 2009
as UDF presidential candidate and defeat Bingu.”

He sits with his arms now on the arms of the sofa seat
and a broad smile spreads across his face. He means what he has just
thought and he is strongly convinced that the resolution is a good

He does recognize that there are some things that may
hinder his comeback but he is certain that he will successfully deal
with all the hindrances. If it is anything to do with the courts, he
does swear that he will hire the very best and finest lawyers in the
country and even abroad—at least twenty-four will do. Moreover,
he had seen the word ‘consecutive’ in the constitution
and that is indeed a loophole he will have to capitalize on.

On the failed promises he does vow that he shall manage
to correct them. He sits, strongly believing that he will talk things
to the Malawians which they have not heard from his very own mouth.
He secretly knows that the people usually forget and thus he is going
to use his oratory skill to convince them that he now has new ideas.
With the help of his radio station, he sternly believes, he is going
to convince the people that he is the right man for the position of

His smile extends as he imagines himself involving other
parties in a coalition, mostly those who have been frustrated by
Bingu and those with leaders who are well past their age of doing
politics and those who have always found it pleasure-full being in
the opposition. Indeed, with the money that he accumulated (through
dubious means?) in his ten year rule he will coax them to his side
and everyone will think that their coalition is a grand one with the
power to win.

Satisfied, he leaves the room and abandons the ‘chair’
altogether before calling some of his key party members whom he
orders that they organize a rally; preferably, on a Sunday and in the
southern region, especially Balaka district. He makes it a point that
he will declare his interest to comeback at the rally and he
envisions the other members who had also declared interest simply bow
out giving him room.

He goes to the rally on the planned date after making a
lot of noise on his radio station about the rally. He sits in front
smiling after noticing that there are a lot of people that have
attended the rally, this gives him an encouragement that he will win
and it pushes him further to declaring publicly his interest in the
presidential race despite serving as president for a handsome ten

And then, he takes the floor to speak. He speaks with
great zeal and zest though a tone of vengeance can be clearly deduced
in his tone. He speaks for minutes and minutes trying to find a good
opportunity to declare his interest to comeback. He blasts Kaliati,
Ntaba, TVM, MBC and Bingu’s government before castigating Bingu
himself. After making some foul jokes, he announces:

Amayi ndi abambo, kuti chipani cha UDF
chitengenso boma, limene Bingu anaba, ine monga mtsogoleri wanu
ndaona kuti ndiimenso mu chaka cha 2009 kuti ndimchotse Bingu ameneyu
pampando. Popeza ndine amene ndinamuikapo, ndine ndemwenso amene
.” (Ladies and gentleman, for UDF to get back
the government that Bingu ‘stole’, I, as your leader,
have decided to stand again in 2009 and defeat this man whom I chose)

The poor women ululate and clap hands as the pitiable
men beat drums but the party gurus just stare at him: astonished,
vexed, perplexed, shocked, flabbergasted, traumatized, confounded,
astounded and amazed. They pretend to smile though feeling bitter
deep down their hearts for they have witnessed the rape of the
immature democracy in the party and have seen their hopes of being
presidents being defeated again.

Then, he starts conducting rallies throughout the
country campaigning for himself: promising people things he had to do
within his ten years rule, accusing the government of things he
himself started during his tenure of office, castigating Bingu and
pouring out filthy jokes among others. He even goes as far as
shopping for people when he, at least, does not have the money to
settle the bills. He speaks with great conviction that one may think
he is right.

These days when he sits at the podium, he smiles. He
smiles for he sees that the elections are close and he is thinking
that he will get back to power. He thinks that all Malawians do not
know that it is envy, hatred, jealousy, malice, resentment, spite,
malevolence, voracity and greed that made him want a comeback instead
of choosing another candidate from his party folks who, indeed, is
blemish as the other presidential candidates are but surely not like
him—Dr. Elson Bakili Atcheya agama (Obama?) Muluzi.


Anonymous said...

Muluzi is one selfish individual but God is good all the time

The Editor said...

Achimwene. Mumalemba. I enoyed your wit and yet at the same time letting us know the seriousness of your subject matter.

I guesse people can exaggerate their own importance. He had ten years which he did nothing. Nobody remembers his Presidency except being a messenger boy for The Libyan head of state.

I laughed so had. Keep on writing. maybe a few minds will be changed

Anonymous said...

Guys, please serve me with the little information you have about this guy.Does he claim it's a fictional perspective?He just knows how to satirically tackle topics and please inform him that malawi as a nation is in dire need of such kind of writing to attack such people as muluzi.Keep it up and continue writing!

Anonymous said...

Guys, please serve me with the little information you have about this guy.Does he claim it's a fictional perspective?He just knows how to satirically tackle topics and please inform him that malawi as a nation is in dire need of such kind of writing to attack such people as muluzi.Keep it up and continue writing!

Anonymous said...

that is writing indeed in the hands of a writer

Anonymous said...

Lets not give Elesoni Muluzi another chance. Ten years was enough for him to prove that he can change Malawi. What did he do? Mocking us during political rallies? Calling us anthu openga mwachidwa bwanji in his stupid jokes. He is an embarrassment , not fit for president. He must retire together with John Tembo. Malawians I beg you lets not go back to Muluzi era. It was horrible.

blessing said...

my fellow malawian at some point i belelive that muluzi is the man that we need a man who can strive for perfection again..he once did it in 1994.....for ordinary people like us we be lieve that a hero is such that person must have a sympathy to local people good sense of hummour...i urge you the one who wrote this story..yes you are there scribling you piece of mind..and thinking you are dfoing the right thing ..what happen to a second chance..and you are no one to judge...here we go again..what we need is democracy

blessing said...

yes i stongly believe we are going to do it again